I've changed and are even more frightened by my daily endeavors. I find myself in situations that I predictably knew that I would be in and so longed to be strong enough to defend from them. I think I've finally reached a point where I will no longer fight this way; today I will attempt to change the path I seem to trudge along.
I am my own worst enemy and this is extremely extremely clear to me yet I inject myself with my own regrets and act as tho it is not so. I've become so closeted to the point that I no longer believe what I tell myself. I'm not sure how to divide my minds life and my physical being from each other. I completely understand why people decide to slowly and surely find easier ways to die. As a child, in my anticipating eyes, I found so much to long and work for. Now I find myself in a whirlpool of addiction, in dissatisfaction and misapprehension, it seems as though I truly stepped into a different dimension.
I wonder where the little girl I was now wanders. Did she die and I'm now in an end? Or is this the opposite, the birth from within? I'm troubled yet I feel too naive to admit this. My conscience has not decided whether to pretend, find, mind, acknowledge, or disregard yet.. and I'm plunging myself into a deeper decree, a hole in which one can not be seized.
I explain to myself that I can talk to anyone but as this thought circles around my psyche, I'm more determined to punish thee. I need to change for me, not them... Yet why do I need people's beings to create said joy. Manic depressive conditions caused because of my own delusions. Sick and tired of making my life a trick, a stupid and sick lift from the thick, lush of reality's dirt end. May I please speak to you, a friend."
~Writing taken from my journal:
a personified conscience's battle with self
(whilst in hong kong, china)
(whilst in hong kong, china)
Sorry, but are you receiving my emails?
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