13

*Photos: Sean Dubious       

 {Dress: Cheap Monday}      

{Shoes: Steve Madden}      

It's damn cold outside but I never resist a chance to dress up and stand in a corn field. In honor of Friday the 13th, Sean Dubois [photographer] and I, decided to channel a little Stephen King tonight. Happy Friday the 13th from me and the possible little corn kids out there. 

Haunted Persuasion

  

"As it goes on I'm no longer trying to maintain one way of living, I cannot afford for anyone to imagine what this may mean nor can I decipher..: however, today marks a day that I live to be forever greater.

I've changed and are even more frightened by my daily endeavors. I find myself in situations that I predictably knew that I would be in and so longed to be strong enough to defend from them. I think I've finally reached a point where I will no longer fight this way; today I will attempt to change the path I seem to trudge along.

I am my own worst enemy and this is extremely extremely clear to me yet I inject myself with my own regrets and act as tho it is not so. I've become so closeted to the point that I no longer believe what I tell myself. I'm not sure how to divide my minds life and my physical being from each other. I completely understand why people decide to slowly and surely find easier ways to die. As a child, in my anticipating eyes, I found so much to long and work for. Now I find myself in a whirlpool of addiction, in dissatisfaction and misapprehension, it seems as though I truly stepped into a different dimension.

I wonder where the little girl I was now wanders. Did she die and I'm now in an end? Or is this the opposite, the birth from within? I'm troubled yet I feel too naive to admit this. My conscience has not decided whether to pretend, find, mind, acknowledge, or disregard yet.. and I'm plunging myself into a deeper decree, a hole in which one can not be seized.

I explain to myself that I can talk to anyone but as this thought circles around my psyche, I'm more determined to punish thee. I need to change for me, not them... Yet why do I need people's beings to create said joy. Manic depressive conditions caused because of my own delusions. Sick and tired of making my life a trick, a stupid and sick lift from the thick, lush of reality's dirt end. May I please speak to you, a friend."

~Writing taken from my journal:

a personified conscience's battle with self
(whilst in hong kong, china)

Hong Kong Hiatus

The past three months have been spent in Hong Kong, China... & as is known, I have taken quite a bit of time off from writing on my blog; for this I apologize. Although this is certain, I decided that this gap of time was going to be a much needed vacation from reality... and as the life cycle continues, one is reminded that every walk of life is anything but a vacation from reality, but more appropriately a "doze of reality." -_- 

There's something about living in a foreign country that is unbelievably sobering. I never thought for a minute that I would be unknowingly and unaware of my changing perspective of reality. I felt almost "disembodied" like I was viewing my own life in a 3rd party perspective. I felt in control and out of control at the same time. I felt lonely and appreciative at the same time. I felt love and embraceable solitude at the same time.

Most of my journey was spent peacefully lost. I was taking classes, however, most of my free time was spent wandering busy streets and areas that I knew nothing about. I felt anxious and comforted all at once and I still have a very hard time explaining exactly how this felt like. I felt extremely internalized and weightless; making decisions and experiencing things that I am, quite frankly, unsure as to whether they truly happened or not. Everything was very dream-like.

 I couldn't communicate with the majority of people and this showed me the power of body language and approachability; it showed me the beauty of culture and how we humans are much more similar than we are different. It showed me that humans are programed to love, not to hate... and that, no matter how this may sound, the act of appreciating others' stories and the potential knowledge one could gain from them, is a huge pleasure in life that we should participate in more instead of demeaning it. 

I believe I could write on and on, however, I will spare whomever decided to read this and continue with my stories, growth, and new experiences in future posts to come.

 ~*a day that I was lost          

near admiralty, hong kong*~