"As it goes on I'm no longer trying to maintain one way of living, I
cannot afford for anyone to imagine what this may mean nor can I
decipher..: however, today marks a day that I live to be forever
greater.
I've changed and are even more frightened by
my daily endeavors. I find myself in situations that I predictably knew
that I would be in and so longed to be strong enough to defend from
them. I think I've finally reached a point where I will no longer fight
this way; today I will attempt to change the path I seem to trudge
along.
I am my own worst enemy and this is extremely
extremely clear to me yet I inject myself with my own regrets and act as
tho it is not so. I've become so closeted to the point that I no longer
believe what I tell myself. I'm not sure how to divide my minds life
and my physical being from each other. I completely understand why
people decide to slowly and surely find easier ways to die. As a child,
in my anticipating eyes, I found so much to long and work for. Now I
find myself in a whirlpool of addiction, in dissatisfaction and
misapprehension, it seems as though I truly stepped into a different
dimension.
I wonder where the little girl I was now
wanders. Did she die and I'm now in an end? Or is this the opposite, the
birth from within? I'm troubled yet I feel too naive to admit this. My
conscience has not decided whether to pretend, find, mind, acknowledge,
or disregard yet.. and I'm plunging myself into a deeper decree, a hole
in which one can not be seized.
I explain to myself
that I can talk to anyone but as this thought circles around my psyche,
I'm more determined to punish thee. I need to change for me, not them...
Yet why do I need people's beings to create said joy. Manic depressive
conditions caused because of my own delusions. Sick and tired of making
my life a trick, a stupid and sick lift from the thick, lush of
reality's dirt end. May I please speak to you, a friend."
~Writing taken from my journal:
a personified conscience's battle with self
(whilst in hong kong, china)